So on friday night I really didn't feel like drinking alcohol but went along with it. I had one lager and then accepted another which I actually only sipped a little bit out of. I genuinely just didn't feel good about drinking at all and wished I hadn't. Maybe I truly am getting to the stage of 'crowding out' alcohol by just feeling better without it and enjoying more health type of drinks which help me feel good. I'm becoming more aware maybe how it's a depressant and I guess is somehow Yin as a friend would say rather than Yang and leading us in that wrong kind of direction. A true feeling now like it dampens awareness. I guess all that stuff about the link to shame too which I maybe no longer need.
It's interesting to think about how much I've loved alcohol and getting drunk particularly in my pre therapy years before 21 but still quite a lot after. I did love the dampening of shame so I could approach women and maybe get a snog or whatever. I'm not going to say I won't drink again but it's just great to monitor here to keep awareness there.
It was around a year ago or maybe less when I stopped then made a genuine constructive decision to have a beer every now and again. Looking back that was really good although now I'm maybe thinking of it similar to when I took anti anxiety meds. Maybe it just took the edge off so I was more able to make positive steps forward overall. It feels important though that I am open to drinking again if I want.
This trip though has to be the first time ever that I am just genuinely preferring making the choice to not drink alcohol. Tonight (26th) I'm enjoying a tea right now. Today on the train when it was stressful I really thought about how different I'd feel if I'd drank and had even a mini hangover. I also thought about that general ability to deal with change etc. I feel really great that this trip in the UK (see my other vegan sanity blog) that I have kept in really positive compassionate spirits throughout in all my interactions. I feel I need to work more though when people are really badgeting me like my sister did once and another friend does sometimes as to exactly the best response here in how to best impact everyone (this will be partly the source of my tattoo).
It feels then that I am maybe crowding out alcohol. so anyway on friday night I had quite a mad dream which had the killer in Scream 4 in it. I was stabbed lots but still likely to survive but in a state and waiting for help. It seemed there was constructive movement taking place in me. Similarly the next day I had a dream about being in a town where lots of people were being killed and it was kind of like I knew the people in the town but maybe in the past somehow. It was all strange. My old housemate (J) was around and an old girl-friend (S). These were people I maybe didn't have a deep connection with but were all very nice to me and me to them. At one stage someones head was ripped off. Throughout the night I seemed to feel that releasing of Psychosomatic issues which was really nice. The dream had a lot of death and was constructive.
Significantly the night before this dream (saturday) I had soft drinks and just said how I preferred it loads of the time. I was asked if it was about my veganism but I honestly said how it wasn't. It was great as I made a change from being shy to almost expressing it like my veganism which is that it is a choice I am really enjoying and actually getting a lot out of.
Tonight I'm feeling a bit like a beer actually but I'm wondering if it will feel nice just crowding out with tea and nice food. Maybe I just need to have one when I want and just lose the social pressure. Maybe a true cutting out though could make that even easier so the answer would always be I don't drink rather than people knowing I may drink sometimes but don't drink at that point with them. I'll keep monitoring that anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment