loving not drinking and expressing the enjoyment

Was interesting to meet with Tauranga friends at the Botianical gardens.  I was asked how I was about drinking right now in a very non judgmental way.  I said how I'd been enjoying not drinking while not having principles necessary against it which felt great.  I also spoke to my housemate and expressed my feelings of not drinking alcohol at the moment.  Will keep carrying on.  I feel really good and like I am becoming more spiritual somehow with everything going on just now.  Like I'm heading into a new realm of being.  It is my non drinking partly and mixed with all the other things in my blogs right now :)

friday vegan drinks and enjoying not drinking

Went out last night for some vegan food and although I was tempted to have an alcoholic drink I felt really good that I didn't and am glad I didn't.  It was nice to explain to Carly why I just preferred not drinking just now and to Tai Chi then meet Gail without much effort.  Maybe I should go for a run actually just to affirm all that more.

I had that sense of my whole spiritual development journey and felt that maybe I am weeding out alcohol.  Like a lot of it is habit in terms of the attitude it created etc and a good sense of moving away from that which is good.  Felt good speaking to people today and will enjoy tonight also.

still no alcohol and all good

So 23 August was my last drink I just realise and not missing it at all but have enjoyed the crowding out and feeling fresher in a lot of ways and like it's been a really good thing.  It's funny though how it is clearly something I've enjoyed a lot in the past rather than eating meat which I never was bothered about.  Urghhh so disgusting to think about that.

Enjoyed just relaxing last night with a tea and a bit of playing video games was actually kind of cool as a bit of a hobby.  Okay it's not so productive but was nice and a bit fun and I deserve that sometimes.

Today I'll enjoy my massage and hopefully meet my mate in Takapuna and can enjoy a good full day again.

getting clearer. worried how to deal with some others

Am feeling lots better and really feeling how I'm better off without drinking.  It is like I'm crowding it out really well.  I feel really calm and settled and even liking the whole idea of it and it going alongside being Vegan too.  I felt a bit weird tonight talking to a friend and realising I wouldn't feel comfortable presenting it that I'm not drinking if he comes over.  Finding way around it for now seems alright and like it will work for me.

I love how I get those jolts in my body, really as if I am growing.  The no alcohol does feel really good.  Those regrets and cringly behaviour of the past but now feeling that real soulful channelling of energy, like I can really make the world better.  It was nice to hear about my friends good fortune and know that I didn't feel jealous.  That's a great thing.

I really feel that good sense of cultivating in a major way again, like when I became Vegan almost.  I feel by keeping with all these projects I will keep growing well.  I will keep in contact with me and all the ups and downs I'll go through with it.  The writing just helps me to stay balanced.  I feel on track enough for now.

farewell dinner out and no alcohol, an interesting one. 28.8.13

Had my last dinner out with the family.  Was really great.  I drove there which my family were grateful for.  I think I was the only one who didn't have a few alcoholic drinks.  I didn't have any.  It was strange as it was certainly one of those situations I would've drank in the past.  I was tempted and didn't want to stop myself if I really wanted one but went ahead not drinking and felt good.  Watching some football when we got back and chatting to people I felt really cool like I was managing me and enjoying my last bit of time here feeling good and conscious and in control.

When I went to bed I had a great sleep and felt an absolutely wonderful sense of peace and love almost. It was such a great feeling.  Maybe alcohol is that other thing coming out of me now through my personal development stuff.  I felt like maybe I was crowding it out with other stuff.  alcohol does obviously cloud us in some ways, I knew that but now I'm enjoying just being more conscious.

I guess very differently to eating meat which I can say never brought particular joy I can honestly say that drnking alcohol has brought lots and lots haha.  It really has though. So many silly fun memories.  It's only now maybe whereas I'm getting that connection whereas I just don't need it anymore and in fact am starting to feel better without it.

I will just keep monitoring it and keep growing through.

Saying by to 2 friends and no alcohol

Said bye to 2 people today. The first we could've gone to a pub and I chose the cafe above that as the option.  I felt comfortable doing that and had a juice and felt totally cool.  Interestingly we spoke of old drunk times such as my 28th and I did feel a bit cringy almost. Similarly he'd mentioned my past antics last time we met in a totally light hearted way but it felt like stuff I want to change. Obviously that was big scale drinking but nonetheless I'm feeling better without it.

I feel like drinking does cause a general regressiveness which I'm enjoying not being part of.  It all feels better and clearer emotionally.

In the evening my other friend had a red wine. I had a juice and again it felt good. I said openly how I would drink if I wanted but just wanted it to be a conscious decision but I was certainly not going to inprison myself.

On the way back I thought about it more and my Veganism. In my veganism I am strict and would never eat non vegan food. I thought about an annoyance with a friend who has on 3 occasions asked if I'd ever eat fish which I will set him straight with iif he does it again as I find it highly offensive. On the other hand with drinking under a very certain circumstance I may be tempted and not feel bad about it at all and that's what this blog is. It's just an experience of being me with it. Nothing concrete or trying to trap me. I just keep exploring but right now it's working well.

I last drank at my friends in Newcastle last friday when I had one beer and started a second and actually regretted it. :)

26 August. soft drink with friend then same after football

Met a friend today at the pub and got a soft drink before going to the beer garden which seemed helpful.  I was going to say that I was going for a run later if asked about it.  I felt really good to have a soft drink then have a great run later.

In the evening I went to the football then had that feeling (I think operating in the Yin from the football feeling, that more regressive) to have a beer but I had some good soft drinks and other good food on my return which ultimately felt a better replacement to bring me back well.  It all worked out great.  My life is getting clearer in all respects.

I feel some sense of pride in maybe being a tea total vegan.  It doesn't matter if I start drinking alcohol again, it's just about being conscious.

25th night

I've noticed by not drinking and choosing tea and some fruit I've continued to immerse myself into facebook and post on good vegan things and use my blog and think more about finite and infinite games while posting about this and thinking about my marathon.  I've also come back to the Gandhi book.  It has been more productive and constructive. Certainly not messing around :)

23rd to 25th August, a trip to friends, dreams and reflecting

So on friday night I really didn't feel like drinking alcohol but went along with it.  I had one lager and then accepted another which I actually only sipped a little bit out of.  I genuinely just didn't feel good about drinking at all and wished I hadn't.  Maybe I truly am getting to the stage of 'crowding out' alcohol by just feeling better without it and enjoying more health type of drinks which help me feel good.  I'm becoming more aware maybe how it's a depressant and I guess is somehow Yin as a friend would say rather than Yang and leading us in that wrong kind of direction.  A true feeling now like it dampens awareness.  I guess all that stuff about the link to shame too which I maybe no longer need.

It's interesting to think about how much I've loved alcohol and getting drunk particularly in my pre therapy years before 21 but still quite a lot after.  I did love the dampening of shame so I could approach women and maybe get a snog or whatever.  I'm not going to say I won't drink again but it's just great to monitor here to keep awareness there.

It was around a year ago or maybe less when I stopped then made a genuine constructive decision to have a beer every now and again.  Looking back that was really good although now I'm maybe thinking of it similar to when I took anti anxiety meds.  Maybe it just took the edge off so I was more able to make positive steps forward overall.  It feels important though that I am open to drinking again if I want.

This trip though has to be the first time ever that I am just genuinely preferring making the choice to not drink alcohol.  Tonight (26th) I'm enjoying a tea right now.  Today on the train when it was stressful I really thought about how different I'd feel if I'd drank and had even a mini hangover.  I also thought about that general ability to deal with change etc.  I feel really great that this trip in the UK (see my other vegan sanity blog) that I have kept in really positive compassionate spirits throughout in all my interactions.  I feel I need to work more though when people are really badgeting me like my sister did once and another friend does sometimes as to exactly the best response here in how to best impact everyone (this will be partly the source of my tattoo).

It feels then that I am maybe crowding out alcohol.  so anyway on friday night I had quite a mad dream which had the killer in Scream 4 in it.  I was stabbed lots but still likely to survive but in a state and waiting for help.  It seemed there was constructive movement taking place in me.  Similarly the next day I had a dream about being in a town where lots of people were being killed and it was kind of like I knew the people in the town but maybe in the past somehow.  It was all strange.  My old housemate (J) was around and an old girl-friend (S).  These were people I maybe didn't have a deep connection with but were all very nice to me and me to them.  At one stage someones head was ripped off.  Throughout the night I seemed to feel that releasing of Psychosomatic issues which was really nice.  The dream had a lot of death and was constructive.

Significantly the night before this dream (saturday) I had soft drinks and just said how I preferred it loads of the time.  I was asked if it was about my veganism but I honestly said how it wasn't.  It was great as I made a change from being shy to almost expressing it like my veganism which is that it is a choice I am really enjoying and actually getting a lot out of.

Tonight I'm feeling a bit like a beer actually but I'm wondering if it will feel nice just crowding out with tea and nice food.  Maybe I just need to have one when I want and just lose the social pressure. Maybe a true cutting out though could make that even easier so the answer would always be I don't drink rather than people knowing I may drink sometimes but don't drink at that point with them.  I'll keep monitoring that anyway.

23 August night out

Met up with friends for pizza then drinks.  I got to the pizza place first and ordered an orange which worked in my favour.  From then on I was kind of out of the round a bit and just ordered soft drinks and felt almost totally comfortable. One friend just asked if I don't drink thesedays and I said often I don't.  Later on I was also asked and again said well I didn't feel like it tonight but did the week before with him obviously.

I think for the last round when my friend was getting the drinks he asked what I wanted and I said coke and he said 'have a beer'.  I said go on I'll have a heineken and he immediately took back what he said and said he was just kidding and I got a coke.  On the way back I felt great to just breathe and to take in that maybe one of the first times I'd had a great night out not drinking alcohol when others were.  I was totally cool and all involved but not drinking and it felt great.  I was a bit lucky at points as described and supported but overall I'm really happy.  I will keep moving forward from this and chipping away with it. :)

17.8.13. Meeting with Stuart and Dave

Met with Stuart and I was assuming we would be drinking so was happy to go along and have a couple of halves.  As it happened he said he didn't drink much thesedays.  It showed that I need to be more open to introducing non drinking to people as who I am.  I was too presumptual.  We had a tea then I did have one half as he had a pint of beer then after then I had a soft drink.  It felt cool though that he was on that similar thinking path.

In the evening I met with Dave and he was up for a few beers but I just had one then later drove home.  That felt best to stay in touch with me well. 

yesterday's drinking (15.8) and moving to tomorrow

Yesterday I went out with 2 friends to the pubs in Didsbury.  From the start I knew I didn't want to drink but I honestly felt the pressure to and didn't feel comfortable enough in myself to not drink.  I had 3 bottles of beer (a Peroni and 2 Tiger's).  I knew Tiger was Vegan and was happy to read Peroni was on my return.

I felt I held my own well although wasn't as strong and in my element as I would be without alcohol.  I drank water before bed but still slept more than I would've liked and maybe wasn't as cool and coherent as I could've been in speaking to my folks afterwards but did okay.

I missed my run the following morning (this morning) which again made me think about how it doesn't have a purpose.  Due to that at the Science and Industry museum I didn't feel as refreshed as I would've been and although I did well felt that lack of emotional regulation I could've had if I'd ran first thing as originally planned.

My Dad looked at my once and it's most likely my total paranoia but I wondered if I didn't seem as together as I could've been.  Again very most likely my paranoia and I by no means had a hangover but most likely my awareness that I could be feeling better had I not drank.  after the outing I had a great one hour run and felt back on track.  See my marathon blog.

I've arranged to see my friend Stuart tomorrow.  We always drank together and again it feels hard not to but since I am driving later having 2 halves is excusable so I'll do that and maybe even take a juice to Dave's in the evening and I'll let him guide if we drink but I'll just have one would be best and show me getting through well.

why a giving up alcohol blog...

Well I'm on my trip in the UK...2 weeks to go until returning to NZ.  I had a realisation on being here this time how I have completely outgrew drinking alcohol.  It honestle servies no purpose for me whatsoever.  I love the words of Erik Marcus in the Ultimate Vegan guide when he speaks in a chapter about 'crowding out' not cutting out.

It's strange to think how much I have loved drinking in the past but it's more over the last 6 months it has served no value to me at all and I have almost regretted it when I have drank.  I realise how through my process of spiritual cultivation and particularly becoming vegan that I seem to have a deeper connection to life and just don't enjoy the regressive feeling that drinking alcohol seems to give.

I remember a friend talking about it in terms of Yin properties rather than Yang similar to eating meat also being Yin.  For a while I tried to give up but realised I enjoyed it too much but now it more seems I have been naturally outgrowing it.  Having said that on my trip back it has been difficult to implement which is why I want to blog to keep me sane and connected like my other blog and keep recording when I drink during this trip and how it feels.